Selling yourself: the best ad copy/resume I’ve ever seen

So I’ve accepted the task of finding warm bodies to come to Phoenix Bike’s annual Bike Show fundraiser. While reading a hilarious job ad for some guy willing to be the fall guy for your cratering hedgefund, I stumble onto this bit of brilliant prose:

Merciless writer willing to head-butt puppies (Downtown)

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Reply to: res-p4pem-1070149830@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-11, 12:04PM EDT

My name is Willy Parker, and I’m a merciless writer by trade.

I treat words like Russia treats its neighbours. Remember JFK? It wasn’t a bullet - his brain exploded after reading my package copy on a box of Quaker Oats.

People facing jury duty turned to me to write them out of their legal responsibility. I ghostwrote letters to the Sheriff on their behalf and not one of them ever had to serve.

I didn’t pay a cent for my education. A degree in copywriting (college), creative writing (university) and film school - all paid in full by others because of my letter writing abilities.

Want to “persuade” your readers to buy something? Then hire a shaman, because persuasion is for sissies. I leave cheeks wet and panties yellowed.

I’ll kick your readers in the tenders with the literary equivalent of cleats, while burglarizing their wallets in just a few paragraphs. For writing that snaps femurs and makes mothers moan, writing that gets the job done the moment a reader puts eyes on it, contact me.

Any voice, any subject, any medium. There is no such thing as taboo. I’ll ghostwrite or cockfight my way into your readers’ brains like meningitis.

Here’s how it works:

1. No resumes or telephone calls. A ninja doesn’t give out business cards.
2. No reference requests. Mussolini didn’t need a co-signer.
3. To Ray Charles: this ad is my writing sample. Hire me for something small if you need more.
3. If you aren’t firmly decided by the end of this ad, re-hitch the mule and move along.
4. $19.99/hour or 200 words. And yes, I do write Harlequin Romance.
5. i) You pay. ii) I get the job done. Betty Crocker couldn’t make it simpler.

Don’t offer me commission, and don’t offer me the change in your wallet. I’m Shakespeare on an all-caffeine diet, and upon hiring me, expect total victory.

Holy shit. I’d hire this guy to do anything. Wouldn’t you? Every English class or creative writing article I’ve ever written prattles on about “showing” and not “telling” and “engaging the reader.” I think this is the best example I’ve ever seen. How can I create something similar for this organization or for myself? Time to go tear everything up and start over.